So a nun, a Jamaican and a fat guy walk into an amusement park… If this sounds like a set-up for a joke, it is – but you’ll be laughing for all the wrong reasons when you join us for the final film in the 3 Ninjas quadrilogy: 1998’s 3 Ninjas Knuckle Under er, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain! Rocky and Colt decide they’re getting too old for this ninja shit and want to retire their hoods in favor of banging chicks – a solid decision, though with New Colt’s lithpy lisp and hideous ponytail, the best he can manage is tomboy Amanda, who becomes the Venus de Milo of the team. Tum Tum, distraught over the impending retirement of his true hero (not Grandpa, but shirtless Power Ranger rip-off Dave Dragon), drags the boys to an amusement park to watch the Hulkster’s er, Dragon’s last live performance. This just so happens to coincide with Loni Anderson’s dominatrix crime boss character’s ploy to take over the park and hold it hostage, while acting cornier and shittier than any cartoon villain in history. What this movie lacks in acting ability it (sort of) makes up for in endless fights and chase scenes. The kids are always in the middle of the action, if you can stomach their continuous barrage of horrid, ear-splitting “HI-YAH!!!”s. Surprisingly, there’s even a bit of riskier material in here, from a simulated hanging, a bomb threat and a slight molester vibe from Jim Varney’s Lothar. NOW I know why everybody misses the 90s…
Next week we’re punching a hole in time back to 1991 to watch the Hong Kong classic Riki-Oh: The Legend of Ricky (available on Netflix). Based on a manga series, this is probably the goriest martial arts movie ever made, where every main character is almost on par with Goku from Dragonball Z and can effortlessly punch through people, animals, steel and stone, leading to more blood, severed body parts and ripped out intestines than the MPAA would ever allow over here. Don’t watch this one with a weak stomach, or Ricky will punch it right out.
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