With the fall semester quickly approaching, may we suggest enrolling in South Beach Academy? It’s the perfect destination for matriculation for bright-eyed, horn dog college freshmen with its non-existant classrooms, semi-nude beach and high stakes gambling on beach volleyball. Hey, it’s what Corey Feldman would do. This week we’ve softcore banged our way back to 1996 with Nicky Tyranno to check out director Joe Esposito’s first and last film. And my God, did he go out on top! Lifeguard Harry is living the dream as an “instructor” at his weird Uncle Gene’s “academy” until the old man’s gambling spirals out of control and he bets the school on a rigged game of volleyball. Now it’s up to Harry to convince his new former Olympian girlfriend to reunite her team and win the school back. And in true softcore fashion, her teammates are a model, a stripper, an ex-nun biker lesbian and a door-to-door used anchovie saleswoman. If that wasn’t enough for poor Harry, he’s got to help his newly arrived, ne’er-do-well brother get laid with one of his exes. If you’re thinking this movie ends with a bang (or two!), you’d be right.
Next week we’ve copyright infringed ahead a year for 1997’s DNA, starring Mark Dacascos of Double Dragon “fame.” In the jungles of Borneo, an ancient, evil creature has been resurrected from the premises of Predator, Jurassic Park and Alien. And for the most part, it doesn’t hang together. Surprise, surprise. Check this out on Netflix if you don’t mind losing 2 hours of your life that you’ll never get back. And don’t forget your camera, ladies!
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