Get ready for hookers, softcore porn music and a sexy lady vampire. Is this the latest offering from Skin-emax’s ‘After Dark’ lineup? Nope, it’s a second season episode of 1996’s X-Files rip-off, Baywatch Nights! This sobering warning against the dangers of nighttime jogging has The Hoff and his gang on the trail of a hilariously obvious vampire seductress. One would think this murder case would be high on the LAPD’s priority list, but the local department is packing up and leaving town, inexplicably deferring to lifeguard/P.I. Mitch at every turn. And just when we think no fewer fucks can be given, Mitch’s own “paranormal expert” Diamont Teague dips out for no reason whatsoever, leaving Mitch to now play Moses and lead his people, some hookers and the two remaining cops out of a police station that suddenly turns into an abandoned warehouse. On this harrowing journey, we discover Mitch may have a past life connection to this creature of the night, only to have our expectations dashed when Hoff uses his manly powers of seduction to tease his tryst into rage in which she ends up staking herself. It’s a good thing the cops all left town, or Mitch and Ryan would’ve had a hell of a lot of dead bodies to explain. Bulimic vampires, FTW. (Episode available here, in case you haven’t watched yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8WB09lEL2Q)
Next week we’re break dancing back to 1984 for the infamous Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. We’re both immensely excited to be watching a movie so disdained that its subtitle has become a pejorative for every awful sequel since! When some break dancing street “kids” find out their community center/dance theater/boxing gym is going to be torn down unless they can raise $200,000 to get it up to code, they get to work doing the only thing they know: dancing all over the fucking place. All the time. For no reason. Ever. (Much like the highly anticipated return of Arrested Development, this fine film is available for streaming on Netflix.)
Remember every movie we watch is available for streaming on Netflix or YouTube! [Unless we say otherwise]
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