“Just close your eyes and take the money, okay?” were most likely the words LL Cool J actually advised to Chris Klein following their bending over to take this ass-ramming to their careers in 2002’s repulsive remake, Rollerball. You know you’re in for a bad time when you find out that one of the movie’s own stars slammed it while he was out promoting it. In the dystopian future of 2005, star athlete/adrenaline junkie Jonathan Cross gets recruited by his “high school” buddy Marcus Ridley to compete in Rollerball, a violent hybrid of roller derby, wrestling and lacrosse (sort of) in Russia, Asia and Eastern Europe. Cross has no trouble risking innocent lives land lugeing through city traffic, but draws the line when his team’s owner starts getting his retarded teammate bloodied in violent “accidents” to boost ratings. A scary strip club visit, locker room sex with Rebecca Romijn Lettuce and a horrendous night vision chase through the desert do nothing to make this film entertaining, or even passable, and the best parts are easily Paul Heyman’s game commentary and a worthless cameo by the WWF’s Shane McMahon. But hey, Chris Klein can shield himself from a shotgun blast with a tiny table, so, you know. There’s that.
Next week we’re revisiting one of our favorite horrible TV shows, 1996’s Baywatch Nights – Season 2. We’re watching episode 9, Night Whispers, which is available in full on Youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8WB09lEL2Q In this episode, lifeguard/P.I. Mitch Buchannon and his worthless team of paranormal investigators pursue a strange lady who is obviously a vampire and aspires to be a softcore porn actress. Shit’s about to get real… ly dumb.
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