ButterCreamers never say die, right boys? Oh wait, that was a different, much better movie than the one we watched this week – 1992’s The ButterCream Gang, from Christian-y production house Feature Films for Families. Triple F-Bomb Pictures here does for the gang membership problem what Fireproof did for marital strife, which is to say not very much. Pete, Scott, Lanny and Eldon are part of a small town good ol’ boys’ “gang” where they play doctor, sheriff, errand boy and all-around whipped little bitch for their town’s dumbest and most enfeebled residents. When their leader Pete returns after spending a year in Chicago, he comes back a hardened gang member and quickly forms his own local chapter of the Blades. Pete and his goons waste no time in turning Elk Ridge into a veritable slum, from breaking glass on train tracks to spray painting smiley faces on old grain silos and kicking kids off a see-saw, it’s obvious that Pete didn’t choose the thug life – the thug life chose HIM. When he tries to explain this and get a sympathetic ear from his former friend Scott, Scott and the rest of the town go batshit and nearly kill him with “kindness,” forcing Pete to flee back to Chicago where he probably doesn’t deal with his demons and self-loathing, but instead converts his gang into a new ButterCream chapter to please his friends and family, who still continue to shun him. With the movie’s real problems conveniently swept under the rug, it’s “Happily ever after”/”Here we go again!” for no reason. I mean, now that Pete’s gone, who’s going to “loosen up” Scott and the other boys? Oh right, Father Coach. We’re betting Kirk Cameron will be heading up a reboot of this fantastic film any day now.
To help wipe the goody-two shoes residue off our dicks, next week we’re watching our listen request of 1993’s Hard Target. Thrill as Jean-Claude Van Damme plays “a cajun merchant seaman” fighting to save Yancy Butler’s drunk ass from hobo hunter extraordinaire Lance Henriksen. I’d try to hype this some more, but I already ButterCreamed myself after I typed cajun Van Damme.
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