It takes a very special movie to weave rape, sexual torture, genital mutilation and infanticide into a light-hearted “family” comedy, and did we ever find one this week with 1991’s Meet the Applegates! We’re not sure if this is an example of militant environmentalism or a parody of the same, but this family of genocidal giant mantises masquerading as humans makes our past broken B movie families look like The Brady Bunch. Applegate patriarch Dick is out to cause a deadly meltdown at his NUCULAR power plant to wipe out humanity for the sake of insect-kind, but when his wife refuses to put out he abandons his sinister plans in order to bang his secretary and “splay her like a Cornish game hen.” Mom Jane spends her family into the poorhouse with credit cards after her first shopping trip while son Johnny becomes a pothead drug dealer after smoking his first joint and daughter Sally gets raped, told to abort her pregnancy, and has to see her newborn baby murdered ten seconds after it’s born. But all this is accompanied by David Newman’s silly, irreverent score so we know it’s all in good fun, right? After the Applegates hit rock bottom, they miraculously turn their lives around with a camping trip in an RV and everything’s okay! Maybe. Possibly. In ways. I think. You know, except for the radiation leak caused by their murderous drag queen Aunt.
Next week we’re journeying back to 2000 and the dying days of Ted Turner’s Dubya See Dubya with Ready To Rumble! When David Arquette and Scott Caan’s favorite fictional wrestler Jimmy King is cheated out of the WCW Heavyweight Title and fired from the company, these two wrestling geeks take to internet stalking to force their idol back into the ring. And this was back in the pre-Facebook and Google days, where you really had to WORK at cyber-stalking. Until then, GET OFF THE PHONE YOU FUCKIN’ PUSSIES! (Sadly, this movie is not available on Netflix or Youtube, so we’ll have to hit the video stores this time. It’s totally worth it though.)
Remember every movie we watch is available for streaming on Netflix or YouTube! [Unless we say otherwise] Like next week, it’s not on either. 😦
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