Fuck G.I. Joe 2 – join us this week as we witness true manly heroics with John Steele in 1987’s Steele Justice! The Karate Kid’s Martin Kove turns in a wonderfully wooden performance as the shellshocked Vietnam vet who gives no fucks about the laws of God or man, has a deadly pet snake named 3 Step and trains by doing squats with an unweighted broomstick. When John’s backstabbing nemesis from ‘Nam resurfaces and murders his old war buddy, Steele springs into action. But he isn’t being recruited – he’s being UNLEASHED! (That’s an actual line from the movie! Fucking fantastic!) The resulting chaos is a mashup of every 80s action movie cliché, but taken to a ridiculous, poorly executed extreme. Epic 80s action songs, a music video, and explosions for no reason, plus the added racism of every Asian person knowing martial arts and being evil. After slaughtering all his Asian enemies, Steele is able to ride off into the sunset, shrugging off the laundry list of felonies he’s committed to achieve his victory. But don’t weep for his victims – they’re having donuts with Buddha now.
Next week we’re journeying back to 1991 for a forgotten film called Meet the Applegates. Ed Begley Jr. leads his family of giant insects-turned fake humans from the Amazon rain forest to suburban Ohio in a terrorist plot to cause a meltdown at a nuclear power plant and wipe out humanity. But then suburbia’s slump sets in and they all start smoking pot and having sex and forget their whole scheme. Surprisingly, this little gem couldn’t even gross half a million at the box office. This movie is not on Netflix, but is up in 9 parts on Youtube, the first of which is available here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmHBWTKdVEY Get ready for major shit dick this time.
Remember every movie we watch is available for streaming on Netflix or YouTube! [Unless we say otherwise]
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